Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
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