2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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