hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
