I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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