He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
