Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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