Who did Billy Mays play for?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
