Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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