My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
