I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
