My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
