I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
