It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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