if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
