Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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