So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
