did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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