Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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