I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
