I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
