and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
