GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
