Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
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I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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