I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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