I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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