the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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