ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
