i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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