whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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