tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
