White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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