One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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