There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
