I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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