Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
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U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
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I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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