JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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