One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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