she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
The best revenge is premature balding
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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