ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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