rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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