my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
