my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you're hired as official boob wrangler