The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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