Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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