When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
