At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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