thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
