I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
