so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
