Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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