i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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